Professor Brené Brown, in one of her famous TED Talks, talks about why human bonding fundamentally breaks. In summary, her research says:
The feeling of shame is one of the primary reasons that human bonding—a friendship or a relationship—breaks. She also highlights the fact that shame is more easily understood when you define shame as fear of disconnection.
She urges us to ask ourselves: “Is there something about me, that when people will know about it, will make them disconnect from me?”
When you love someone, and you want that bonding to remain lifelong, attempt to answer this question from an angle of shame—what will break your connection with that person?
Shame here could mean:
. . . I’m not rich enough
. . . I’m not smart enough
. . . I’m not beautiful enough
. . . I’m not good enough
. . . I’m not thin enough
When you have answered that question for yourself, reach out to your most valuable connection and share your answer.
If your bonding with that person is true then you sharing your fear will have the power to create a much stronger, and everlasting, bond.
It’s your courage to discuss your imperfections that build a true and meaningful bond—sharing your fear of the shame of disconnection is one way to share your imperfections.